Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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