Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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