well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
