do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
