Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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