I cannot find my penis.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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