The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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