get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
