making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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