Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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