how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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