I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
