Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
