looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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