This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
