Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
