Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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