I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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