he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I need a beard to bite.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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