Dude my mom stole all your condoms
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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