I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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