dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
