Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
