so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
