I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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