Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
