good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
