Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We need a shit load of segways right now
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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