I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
