My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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