I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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