This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
