I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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