I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
