i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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