you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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