I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
