I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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