Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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