the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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