Sry I called you an 8
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
