I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Randomize
