Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
