you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
