someone threw a dead crab at me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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