new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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