So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
