I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
