My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
