I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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