Can Purell be used as lube?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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